I don’t know why, but I’m nervous about getting my first ultrasound. I’m excited, of course, but this little fear keeps pushing itself into the back of my head: what if there’s nothing there? What if there’s no heartbeat? I just can’t get those thoughts out of my head.
With Ben, I was scared of a miscarriage, as any woman is. When I heard the heartbeat, I felt immensely relieved. Then I started bleeding at 11 weeks and thought for sure it was all over. But at the hospital, I got my first ultrasound and saw him moving and kicking and being a very healthy little peanut in there. And it was at that point that I think I finally realized that this pregnancy was real, it was happening. It’s a little surreal to think that there’s a human growing inside of you sometimes.
I don’t know why I’m so nervous this time around. I’m 12 weeks now, and I’ve had no bleeding. I haven’t heard the heartbeat yet, but that’s normal. But I still keep feeling scared that I’m going to go there and get bad news. I wish I could understand why.
One reason, I think, is because this has been an extraordinarily easy first trimester. Oh, sure, I feel nauseous a few times a day, but it’s nowhere near as bad as when I was pregnant with Ben. I’m hungry a lot more often than I am nauseous though — it feels like I can’t get full (something that I seem to remember happening in the second trimester, not the first!). And of course, I’m exhausted, all the time. I take a nap every day, and if I don’t, then I’m practically ready for bed by 5:00. But other than the occasional nausea and the fatigue, I feel normal. I think that may be a big part of why I’m so nervous. I just don’t really feel pregnant.
And while this baby definitely wasn’t planned, and comes at the most inconvenient possible time, that doesn’t change how much I want it now, how much my husband wants it now. I already love this baby, just like I already loved Ben, and the thought of losing it scares me.
Hopefully, this is all just my overactive imagination running wild. Soon, I’ll get my ultrasound and will see a beautiful, healthy little baby in there. That’s what I keep telling myself, anyways.