Please Let This Pregnancy Be Easy
My last pregnancy was a constant roller coaster, full of ups and downs. Matt and I were so thrilled we were going to be having a baby. He left for Afghanistan almost immediately after we found out, when I was six weeks pregnant, and so the pregnancy had to be shared across thousands and thousands of miles through pictures. I played the heartbeat for him for the first time on speakerphone, and he was so excited that he had all of the Marines in the room with him come and listen. I surprised him with a box of “Its A Boy!” gifts instead of telling him over the phone. That was another really exciting moment for him.
But, like I said, we also had the lows. At 11 weeks, I started bleeding, heavily, and had to go to the emergency room. I went again in the second trimester with what felt like contractions. And then I practically lived in the hospital after I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, getting monitored constantly. All of it I had to do on my own until my husband got home, which ended up being the day of my scheduled induction.
And now, here we go with another pregnancy all on my own.
I really worry about having a lot of the same complications again. One fun moment was when the OB came in to talk to me about the possibility of having a c-section (which I agreed to have). Ben’s heartbeat was dropping lower and lower, he hadn’t descended at all, and I had stopped dilating. And the doctor chose that moment — when I was scared, tired, and in pain from the two times my epidural had worn off — to tell me that I shouldn’t have children again. Since I had pre-eclampsia already, I would likely get it again, and earlier, which would mean I would probably have a premature baby, and so I should seriously consider just letting this be my only pregnancy. I don’t think I had a response at the time; I’m pretty sure that I just completely ignored her.
Thankfully, after the birth, not one other doctor ever mentioned that I shouldn’t have children again. However, while it was maybe not presented in the most tactful way, that doctor did have a point. I am more likely to get pre-eclampsia again, something I really hope does not actually happen. I especially would like to skip the swollen, bloated, endemic state of disgustingness that I ended up in toward the end. I had never felt more unattractive in my entire life. I also really would like to be able to make it all the way through the pregnancy with no bleeding, no pre-term contractions, and no complications in general. I’ll be alone, again, but this time I have a baby. What am I supposed to do with Benjamin if I have to be running to the hospital left and right?
Unfortunately, all of that is completely out of my control. I have to just sit and wait and hope things go better this time around.
